Squirter’s Best Friend

Get ready for a super excited review.

Also available in red and purple.

I got this product for myself, with my own hard-earned money. I totally love it, so I’m writing a review for you guys to spread the good word. It is totally awesome.

The Fascinator Throe is a blanket for squirters, or messy sex-havers. It has a totally waterproof inner core that will save you laundry time and mattress grossness. I got the plush version over the microfiber one because it sounded cozier. I think I made the right choice.

At 4′ x 5′, this throw blanket covers most of my queen-size bed. It is TOTALLY awesome. Here’s why: Like I said, saves on laundry. When I started squirting a year ago, I’d lay a folded towel underneath me. But I only have 2 towels, and having one out of commission was a pain in the butt. Also as I got better at squirting, I’d soak through my towels. So I’d fold them up, but then there was a smaller area beneath me, and sometimes I would overshoot. Or worry about overshooting. It sucked. The last thing I want to think about at the moment of climax is my mattress.

I didn’t realize I had been holding myself back due to fear of mess, but let me tell you, when I knew that the fascinator had me covered (!), my squirting volume increased drastically. No longer paranoid about ruining my memory foam with soak-through, I squirted over and over in one session- totaling maybe a cup or more of fluid! Totally crazy, and fucking ridiculously fun.

Possible cons, none of which really bother me:
1. It makes a crinkly noise. This decreases with repeated washings, but after 8- 10 washings of mine, it still is pretty conspicuous. Like, you couldn’t fold this thing at the laundromat without someone giving you a strange look. So just tell them it’s for puppy training.

2. Like all plush, the texture changes as you wash it. Think well-loved childhood stuffed animal. Not a big deal, still very soft and cozy.

3. For some reason (possibly the impenetrable inner membrane?) moisture simply does not air-dry off of this thing quickly. Unlike a towel, which would dry within a day, I find this blanket stays wet to the touch for at least a day or more, which weirds me out. Folks with coin-op laundry may want to air-dry this over a shower curtain rod, because you’re not supposed to use high heat and it usually takes me a cycle and a half to dry it. If you’re air-drying, expect 24+ hours. Or do one cycle in the dryer and air dry the rest. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You’re a clever girl or boy or gender-varied individual.

Let’s talk pros.

1. Size. It’s huge, so I can squirt enthusiastically and freely, and can move about the bed in a variety of positions without worrying about where it will end up.

2. Texture. One side is soft plush, the other is silky satin. Use whichever you prefer, they both work great. I like the plush. Nice.

3. Machine washable and dryer safe! Key.

4. Insanely effective. You could spill a bowl of soup on this thing and your bed would stay perfectly dry. In fact, I think I just got inspiration for a series of in-bed rainy day picnics. Seriously! This blanket would be awesome for that. I imagine it could also multi-task for a multitude of uses, including but not limited to car seat or mattress protection from children or pets.

5. Mental reassurance. I didn’t even REALIZE how much I was holding back due to fear of grossing-up my new mattress. This blanket enabled me to let loose, and as a single and kind of grungy lady, I can use it a few times with strategic folding between washes.

For real, guys, I am super psyched about this sexy ass blanket. I use it all the time. I am very nearly broke and so $90 was a lot of money to spend on a toy, but I am super glad I did. It is great for squirters, super-lubey sex, or anything else that might make a mess in bed. Mine comes in black, so nothing shows on it.

Squirt diva Jiz Lee swears by hers, which is the best endorsement I can imagine. Check out the picture in that article too- it gives a good idea of the size of the throw.

You can get yourself one over at my favorite sex shop, Babeland. I know you don’t think it’s worth the price, but it is. I promise.

6 out of 5 stars. Totally rockin.

P.S. If you want to get a great vibrator to make you squirt, I humbly suggest my very favorite toy, the G-Ki. This one makes me squirt every time. After almost a year of thorough and frequent and *ahem* enthusiastic use, mine broke due to my killer kegels. Babeland, ever the Best Sex Toy Shop in the World, sent me a new one thanks to the warranty on my toy! It’s now back and I’m squirting more than ever